Adventures in Online Dating

8 Oct

I’m seriously starting to lose my faith in the male race.

I checked my Google e-mail account and saw that I got a response to my profile from an eligible bachelor. I usually grimace as I open these things because they are normally from men:

  • Far out of my age range (as in ‘old enough to be my father or older brother’)
  • Who don’t read my profile and then are turned off by my looks, size, whatever
  • With whom I have nothing in common or don’t find physically or emotionally attractive in the slightest; or 
  • Who have no grasp of the English language or how to form a complete sentence.

Let’s just say has yet to let me down.

Tonight’s message was from a 43-year old in Milwaukee (five years over the top of my age limit, but fine), who wrote (verbatim, no corrections made to grammar or tact/decorum):

Hi this is Eric can i be interested i love women your size .

 Ho. ly. Shit!

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and look at his profile. His face in both pictures makes it seem as if he were forced by someone else to pose for the photos. And I could barely get through his profile description (again, no edits made of any kind; though interjections are made by me in brackets):

I like a womens personality just as much as there looks. I am a dallas cowboy fan [blasphemous!] and the millwalkee [WTF! If he can’t spell the name of the city he lives in, how does he send things in the mail??] brewers fan. I like to watch the millwallkee bucks. I’m trying to get enogh money saved up to go to a hometown dallas cowboys game.

My head was aching by the time I finished that portion. Then I moved down to the vital stats. He doesn’t list anything under education (I’m not a snob, you don’t need a Ph.D., but did you at least graduate from high school or get your GED???), doesn’t want kids (while that would be a deal-breaker for me in a guy I was attracted to, in this case I’m probably relieved he won’t be procreating) and apparently one of his turn-ons is “brainiacs.”


I feel like (and probably am) a bitch for saying this, but…

~~~~~~~~~ I feel a rant coming on! ~~~~~~~~~


I don’t think I’m that picky. I’m not small, but I can fit through most regulation-sized doors with no problem. I’m pretty — not a model by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m certainly not a dog.

What the hell do I do to get the attention of a decent guy?!??! The things i wish for in a partner are (I feel) pretty simple and attainable:

Must Have’s

  • A guy with whom I have enough in common that we don’t run out of things to talk about after the first date
  • Someone who I am attracted to. He doesn’t have to be a model, in fact I would prefer he not be, but there has to by physical attraction there in order for me to want to have sex/procreate with him, which leads me to…
  • Someone who wants to be a father (sooner rather than later, I’m not getting any younger)
  • Someone with whom I can have an intelligent conversation on more than just sports (and I can hold my own on sports, I just want to talk about other things too!)
  • Someone who is tolerant of “alternative lifestyles” (meaning, if he’s homophobic, he’s not for me, because my gay best friend comes with the whole package)

Nice to Have’s

  • Someone who shares on some level my love of sci-fi classics like “Star Wars” and “The Matrix,” cheesy musicals like “Grease,” and could embrace my love of “Family Guy” and “Mystery Science Theater 3000” (I will consider myself having hit the motherlode if he likes “The Wizard of Oz” and is heterosexual to boot!), but at the same time would sit down with me and watch “Love Actually” and enjoy it, not just pretend to
  • Someone who will cook for me
  • Someone who will teach me how to drive stick shift
  • Someone who will laugh at my stupid jokes and tell me I’m pretty
  • Someone who only has eyes for me

I am not being facetious when I say I don’t feel like that’s too much to ask for.

Is there anyone out there like this?! If so, I’m asking the Universe to send him my way!!!

~~~~~~~~~ end of rant ~~~~~~~~~

So, to make a long story short, is nice enough to give you the option of e-mailing the person if you’re interested, or sending them a “not interested” e-mail if you’re not interested.

So, after much thought and deliberation, I’ve decided that I’m *not* interested in Mr. Chubby Chaser.

When you click on “not interested,” it takes you to a screen that allows you to reject the person in your own words, or through a series of canned phrases. Being in the bitter and cynical mood I’m in tonight, I figured I would let do the talking for me, so I chose to tell this gentleman:

Thanks for writing to me, but unfortunately, we’re just not a good match. Good luck in your search!

(I would have preferred one less comma in that sentence, but that’s neither here nor there.)

You also have the option to give feedback on why you’re not a good match with the person, but I’m too tired to deal with it, so I’m just sending the “thanks, but no thanks” portion off.

And this other site,, isn’t much better. While it’s free, I’ve already been propositioned by three married men. Don’t even get me started on how much those people piss me off. And I made sure to tell all three exactly how I felt about them trolling for women while their wives were none the wiser (or who knows, maybe the wives were trolling somewhere else!).

Times like this make me wonder whether I should just become the crazy cat lady I know I’m destined to be, and then have a baby on my own when I pay off my credit card debt and can support a child. It might be a lot easier than this.


2 Responses to “Adventures in Online Dating”

  1. RoyalSyn 9 October 2008 at 11:42 am #

    I’m glad to be part of your entourage!

  2. alittlerayofbittersunshine 9 October 2008 at 11:43 am #

    You pretty much *are* my entourage, my friend! :p

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